𝗖𝗼𝗻𝗻𝗼𝗹𝗹𝘆’𝘀 𝗖𝗼𝗿𝗻𝗲𝗿 - this week: Hospital Anxiety & Depression Scale - Kaminski

Welcome all to 𝗖𝗼𝗻𝗻𝗼𝗹𝗹𝘆’𝘀 𝗖𝗼𝗿𝗻𝗲𝗿, a series of weekly reviews by Charles Connolly - an artist in his own right. Here, Charles delves into the greatest brand new singles brought to you by the best unsigned artists on our electrifying and eclectic set of 𝙉𝙚𝙬 𝘼𝙧𝙩𝙞𝙨𝙩 𝙎𝙥𝙤𝙩𝙡𝙞𝙜𝙝𝙩 playlists.

𝙃𝙤𝙨𝙥𝙞𝙩𝙖𝙡 𝘼𝙣𝙭𝙞𝙚𝙩𝙮 & 𝘿𝙚𝙥𝙧𝙚𝙨𝙨𝙞𝙤𝙣 𝙎𝙘𝙖𝙡𝙚 - 𝙆𝙖𝙢𝙞𝙣𝙨𝙠𝙞

Charles is off the scale…

What is the ultimate test? A driving test? An IQ test? Joining Mensa? The Sunday Times Cryptic Crossword? That riddle you were once told by a schoolteacher whose only goal was to baffle and impress with wisdom from The Little Book of Brain? That very riddle that still haunts you throughout the months, years and decades to follow…? Well, all these could be considered the ultimate test, depending on how high/far you’re willing to go. If you think about it, we’re tested all the time. With every choice you take, with every move you make (I’ll be watching you), you are always being tested. Despite not being remotely religious, I believe the ultimate test to be life itself. There is no manual, we are all different, and there is no right or wrong way of doing it. BUT…!! There is always a feeling of what is better or what is worse (if you aren’t a complete psychopath). There is a general way of doing life, to which most of us adhere. It is tried and tested. But with every situation, each individual will act or react differently. Some love a gamble, while others fear even the idea of gambling. Some will stride into debt with the knowledge that they now have everything they want, while others will steer clear of that dreaded word, “debt”, making do with what they have. Some will think that half a second is long enough for a biscuit dunk in their beloved cup of tea, while others might not care if it’s half a second or an entire minute; they will never dunk a biscuit and will only drink coffee. These are the things we must consider in life, and judge for ourselves.

With test, comes risk. There is usually a safe option. But the safe option is often the dull option, and can lead to little satisfaction, as harmless as that decision might have been. The thing is, we want the RIGHT decision. We are convinced that if someone else made a choice and had success, then surely if we were to choose the same, then we too would have that same success… This is where things fall short. The thing is, our minds are different. Our situations are different. We are all different people. So how do we guarantee the “right” decision? Well, we can’t. We can’t see into the future. There are those who heed advice from others or even follow others like a stalker, and then there are those who run alone. Those who continually follow the advice of others may be fine, but while there may be hiccups along the way, they won’t be breaking any moulds. A follower will do life like the system suggests, but rarely will something or someone great come of this way of (not) thinking. On the other hand, someone making their own choices and decisions based on their own thoughts, situations, findings, and judgement might very well achieve greatness, albeit with greater risk.

Sometimes, though, there can be a happy amalgam of these two ways of thinking. One can do things one’s own way, but occasionally gather advice or even help along the way. While I do love the idea of doing everything from scratch, as if there has been no history of anything, this can take unnecessary time and energy. We must use our sources and resources. We must ask for help when it seems most needed. Don’t run to Google or YouTube for biscuit-dunking time, work it out for yourself - you might disagree with what is considered “correct”. But do seek advice for bigger, more important things like re-wiring the house, or it- BANG!! Say no more. Occasionally, though, you might make a decision and it turns out to be the “wrong” decision. How do you feel? Do you laugh it off and try again? You can do that with a mug full of soggy biscuit crumbs, but can you really react this way with something more important? It brings you down, no? You beat yourself up over it. You start with worry, and this leads to anxiety. Then eventually you end up depressed. Not just because of the result, but because of your own judgement. You don’t feel worthy. You got it wrong. It was YOUR fault. What kind of man/woman/thing is THIS?? Sound familiar…?

Basically, this ultimate test of life is not an easy one. That’s why it’s the ultimate test (duh!). I frequently see this spiral of both sides in music. The artists following the crowd with no risk, but nothing much to gain; and the rest. The real artists. The ones not interested in doing what others are doing. They don’t see the point in churning out more of the same (rightly so). Churning is for HAL. Original creation is for artists. But those artists doing their own thing can become a little lost and insular. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that people who suffer from anxiety and depression often have something in common with people who suffer for their art; they tend to be alone. While anxious and depressed people might be surrounded by friends and family, they are often alone in their mind. The same goes for artists. A true artist tends to work alone. And while this can make for great art, it can be damaging for the soul of the artist. Sometimes they need a little helping hand, in order to not just rely on themselves for every single damned little thing. This can be in the form of a producer or engineer (HELLO! - call me), but it can just be in terms of reliable outside advice; a second opinion; a second set of eyes and ears…

You think you’ve got everything right, until you realise you’ve got something wrong. This revelation of getting something wrong or making a bad choice can ultimately leave you depressed, if not rectified…

Kaminski’s latest release ambled in last Monday evening. It was supposed to be the previous Friday, which in fact it was. Let me explain. Phew! His brand new single, ‘Hospital Anxiety & Depression Scale’, was released on Friday, the 28th of November. I listened multiple times and found I had a new crush. An hour later I watched the video; things just got serious as I went from “fancy” to being in love. I had very quickly become infatuated with this song. As if my life could not function properly unless I had my fix every couple of hours. Which I did, and it felt good. But there was something troubling me. And the troubling got troubling-er, the more I thought about it. I had a predicament. And it was horrible. I thought I heard an error. Not in the music, but in the lyrics. And it was integral to the track; not something briefly uttered once, but something that people would sing along to. The chorus. Of course, this could be artistic licence, but I had the strongest feeling it was instead an error. My predicament was this… Do I inform him on release day that there is an error in his brand new release…? Do I risk upsetting him and bringing him down ON RELEASE DAY of all days…? Or do I say nothing and just let it slide? Let me be clear, here; this want of mentioning was not any kind of pedantic pride of mine: “EYE got it RIGHT and YOU got it WRONG!!” - Lord, no. This was BECAUSE I knew how much of a perfectionist Kaminski is and has always been. The thing is, what could be done about it, even if he was fine in having been told? It was released! This piece of prey had already been thrown to its devourers. So… I didn’t say a word.

Until I did. This was my first stage of anxiety. What was he going to say? How was he going to react? And why did I tell him, when there was nothing that could be done about it? His initial reply was one brief expletive. Then my depression kicked in. What have I DONE?? He thought he could maybe sort things for the forthcoming album, but that it would obviously be too late for the single. Within minutes his project was open. He had a large Scotch (Betsie - she seemed happy), and got to work. I meant for none of this. I felt absolutely dreadful. Here he was, recording the very song that had been released that very day! What an absurd situation. The thing is, he wasn’t doing this for me. He was doing it because he couldn’t have lived with his error. We agreed that there is artistic intention of quirk, and that there is pure error. This was the latter. Like a pro, he completed this swiftly and sent it off to be mastered (again!) - Oh me and my stupid big mouth - Kam-Kam calms me down. So what do I say to make the scene cosy and calm? How’s about “Ah gawd, then there’s the video as well; that contains all the lyrics!!” - what an absolute bastard that CC can be. Kaminski had already removed the release itself and the video. Such a pro. And then came that Monday evening, just one week ago. All was as if nothing had ever happened. I wonder if anyone who listened on release day who then listened again the following week ever noticed the alteration…? The thing is, Kaminski would always have noticed the error, and it would have driven him crazy. THAT was why I told him. We know each other pretty well. I would NEVER say this kind of stuff to someone I don’t know well. I have the highest admiration for Kaminski’s decision to do the right thing (no matter how laborious). I’m not sure I would have had the courage to remove the release (and video), correct the fault, and put it all back again. Anxiety 1 - Depression 0.

Now forget anything was ever said. For from now on, will be only perfection. Dead, dry drums hit like you’ve just found a lump. Fiery analogue synths storm upwards, leaving trails like a lit pack of sparklers. Excitement never happened so slowly. In fact it’s so slow that by the time you’ve counted 1,2,3, you’ve forgotten what comes next. FORE!! Derek slams the ball with enough ferocity to send it sky high, having little care for where it lands. It’s out there, that’s the point. Probably in outer space, by now. That’s how it sounds, anyway. Think NASA advert, if such a thing has ever existed. “Shame on you; shame on me” - the most powerful opening line I have heard in music for quite a while. Kaminski sounds his usual fragile yet impenetrable self. Minor scale - the only scale for now. That is, until 0:44, when we move into such an inviting major scale. It’s romantic, thick, full, old Hollywood, new Hollywood, and being anything but how it feels. Violins, violas and cellos soar without actually being there. There are no strings on this track, but the instrumentation gives the feeling of strings, not the sound of strings. The lushness is palpable. I see it. I feel it. I close my eyes and I am being rescued by a Shaolin monk dressed as an anaesthetist. Can you tell I’ve been watching a lot of X-files recently…? I am lifted horizontally, perfectly calm yet aware of the ordered chaos surrounding me. And then that almighty chorus: “We’ll kiss the ring, won’t we? First, let’s begin to fill in the Hospital Anxiety & Depression Scale” - and on that final syllable, Kaminski’s voice SOARS and splits into many. It wails like a man crying for help - but who has secretly long given up hope. Sinking back into verse 2, the dynamic is lower, despite being just as full and just as thick. This is where you should shift your focus to that bass (the words can wait until future plays - you WON’T be playing this just once, believe me). This bass, though… PHWOAR!! The electric bass blends perfectly with the bass synth - notoriously hard to get right, that most people avoid such a pairing. But when done right, it makes for something as good as this. And all the while punctuated by that fiery synth. On to a second chorus that you already feel you know well. I challenge you to not sing along when that word “scale” comes in.

Our bridge is a rather jazzy affair starting with a major 7th chord. That’s part of the jazziness, but also there’s a piano casually and lazily plinking and occasionally plonking in a haphazard manner. And with this, Kaminski does what he came here to do: that Hospital Anxiety & Depression Scale, in the form of 14 questions. We only get the answers. Those of you who are counting his answers really have far too much time on your hands… Those of you who are working out what his answers mean about his personality and wellbeing, are REAL fans. Keep going, if it’s what you fanboys/fangirls like to do. The final minute of the song is there to let you bliss out all the bad you ever had inside you. This could be Kaminski’s most POP song. I don’t think I know any of his songs' lyrics as well as I know these - despite having heard them the least of all his other songs. And speaking of lyrics, I think these could be his very best - not bad for a Friesian…! I would be proud of having written them. But I didn’t. Probably because I’ve been too busy pouring my attention into finding out the perfect length of time it takes to dunk a biscuit.

En bref, Kaminski passed the test.

I have heard people say already that this could be Kam-Kam’s best work to date. Which is rather impossible to judge, seeing as he only makes humdinger after humdinger.

So, this test of life… Does it make you testy, or is it just a ball ache? Either way, you’ve got the ultimate testes.

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